Like the Rest of the Female Population, Chris Wallace Will Arise Early Tomorrow

Once again, Imus apologized to a guest, in this case Chris Wallace, for getting him on late. The shady excuse? “Stuff came up.”
 
Then, presumably just to tick Wallace off, Imus wondered how much time he gets when he does the 25 other hits each week to promote Fox News Sunday. “Oh God, here we go again,” Wallace replied. “It depends. Usually about 15 or 20 minutes.”
 
Annoyed at Wallace’s gross exaggeration, Imus challenged him to name which weekly interview he most enjoys. “Probably Fox and Friends,” Wallace said, and was then accused of being “dismissive” of radio.
 
“We have ten million people listening to us—I know there’s not ten million people watching those three nitwits,” Imus said, then, “You know who I met yesterday?”
 
Obviously on some sort of stream-of-consciousness ramble, Imus shared that he ran into Fox Business’s own John Stossel, whom he called “a nice guy.” Wallace agreed, providing that Stossel is also smart, and has an original outlook on the world. Imus and Bernard concurred.
 
Jealous, Wallace impatiently quipped, “Let’s talk about John Stossel some more!”
 
Accused of being everything John Stossel’s not—including, but not limited to, mustachioed—Wallace commented on President Obama releasing his long-form birth certificate yesterday, an event Donald Trump wasted no time taking credit for. In Wallace’s view, the whole charade worked more to Obama’s benefit than to Trump’s.
 
“I really thought he had a very good day yesterday on a very meaningless subject,” Wallace said about the President. “When he came into the briefing room, he seemed like he was the grownup.”
 
Obama purposely elevated Trump, Wallace believes, because making Trump the spokesman for Republicans is “all good” for Obama, even though Wallace and Imus remain firmly in the camp that Trump will not run for President.
 
“I think he’s going to say, ‘I accomplished what I needed to accomplish, I got the President to release his birth certificate, I got him to focus on what’s important,’” Imus surmised. “And then he’ll find somebody in the Republican Party who he can support.”
 
Though he never thought he’d say this publicly—least of all to Imus—Wallace disclosed that he’d probably wake up early tomorrow morning to watch the royal wedding.
 
“You’re a girl,” Imus told Wallace. “How about acting like a man?”
 
Said the man who will have one eye firmly planted on the snobbish affair tomorrow—All. Morning. Long.
 
-Julie Kanfer