Chris Wallace and Imus Talk About Basically Nothing

During a chat this morning in which zero relevant issues were discussed, Imus began by asking Chris Wallace how many other media outlets he speaks to each week to promote Fox News Sunday.
 
Like a trained seal, Wallace rattled off the list: in addition to this show, on Thursdays he does radio hits in St. Louis and Cleveland, and on Fox News Radio. On Friday, he does about 20 television spots, and two on radio.
 
“Is there a point to this?” Wallace finally asked.
 
Naturally, Imus’s goal was to ascertain whether Wallace enjoys going on these other programs as much as he enjoys coming on with Imus.
 
“It depends,” Wallace said. “Sometimes you’re fun, and sometimes you’re not. When you call me a triple-chinned goober, I don’t find that hilarious.”
 
After insincerely apologizing for an earlier remark, Imus wondered why Wallace had not yet invited Donald Trump to be a guest on Fox News Sunday. “You and I had this conversation last week,” Wallace said, doing little to mask his annoyance.
 
“We’re going to have it again, stupid, ok?” Imus shot back. “Just answer the question.”
 
Pointing out that this would be one of the less fun moments, Wallace said of Trump, “When he finally announces, there will be plenty of time to talk to him. I don’t want to be chasing what I think is a wild goose.”
 
Despite Wallace’s statement, Imus posited that his guest was “fraidy-scared” to interview Trump, who has been less than kind to other interviewers, like CNN’s Candy Crowley and ABC’s George Stephanopoulos.
 
“You’re afraid to have him on because if you ask him about the birther nonsense that he got involved in, or these other idiotic positions he’s taken, he would get testy with you, and say mean stuff to you, and you’d have to fold up like a cheap lawn chair,” Imus said. “Or, man up. Which I actually have seen you do.”
 
Wallace insisted he “lives for” the instances when interviews turn nasty. You know, like this entire one with Imus?
 
Hoping to turn over a new leaf, Wallace proudly divulged that Mayor Mike Bloomberg and former Senator Rick Santorum would appear on Fox News Sunday this week. Rather than coo over Wallace’s guest line-up, Imus referred to the former as “a phony creep,” the latter as “an evil human being,” and was just about to say which person he thinks is "great," when Wallace jumped in.
 
“If you say John LeBoutillier, I’m going to hang up this phone,” he threatened.
 
Which would have been helpful, because a few minutes later neither of these two grown men would hang up the phone, and what had heretofore been an entertaining dialogue degenerated into a lover’s spat: “You hang up!” “No, you hang up!” “No, you hang up!” “No…”
 
Seeing no end in sight, Wallace finally figured out how to get Imus to cut to commercial: “Have I mentioned my wife’s book, Mr. Sunday’ Soups?”
 
-Julie Kanfer