Ebony & Ivory: Republican "Candidates," Michael Vick's Tough Life, and What to do About Arizona

During this morning’s installment of Ebony and Ivory, Michael Graham admitted to Tony Powell, Imus, and everyone else that he is humiliated by a recent poll putting Donald Trump at the top of the list of Republican candidates for president in 2012.
 
“I have no defense whatsoever,” he said. “You look at the list of people in the polls and it’s almost as horrifying as the list of people in the polls for the Democrats in 2004, except we don’t have Al Sharpton.”
 
Tony observed that adding Sharpton to the Republican field would provide some entertainment value because, “Paint-drying finished ahead of Tim Pawlenty in the polls.”
 
Having spent some time with Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, at a Tea Party rally last Friday, Graham attested to his lack of dynamism, but used Jimmy Carter in 1976 as an example of how Pawlenty could get the nomination.
 
“Everyone above him was so unimpressive,” Graham said. He then explained why he’s not jumping on the Mitt Romney bus any time soon. “You can’t have a guy who says, ‘Hey, it’s an absolute outrage when Obama forces you to buy health insurance. I’m the guy who’s supposed to force you to buy health insurance!’”
 
Graham’s issue with the former Governor of Massachusetts extends beyond his failed “Romney-care” plan, as it’s known.  “He makes John Kerry look like a principled man of ideological structure,” Graham, a Mass. resident, said. “The guy will take any position of any kind. Romney’s position is, ‘What do I have to say to win?’”
 
As Graham sees it, the majority of possible 2012 Republicans contenders are looking for nothing more than a television gig. “Trump, Palin, Huckabee—even if they wanted to be serious candidates, they’re not going that way,” he said. Palin specifically is focused on building a media empire, in his opinion. “She’s going to be the conservative Oprah, she’s not running for President.”
 
Trump has latched on to the so-called “birther” movement, claiming Obama was not born in this country. Arizona lent ridiculous credence to this argument by passing a law last week requiring presidential candidates to prove they were born in the United States.
 
“Here’s the problem with Arizona,” Tony said. “We don’t need Arizona as a state. If we gave up Arizona today, what would we lose? A trip down the Grand Canyon on a mule?”
 
But America would lose so much more than that. “If we don’t have Arizona,” Graham began, “then the criminal immigrant gangs are going to have to start beheading people in New Mexico and Texas.”
 
Graham does not openly ascribe to the birther theory, but supposed it has gained traction because few Americans can identify with Barack Obama’s upbringing in places like Indonesia and Hawaii. “He never had a job, and suddenly becomes President after giving a single speech at the Convention in 2004?” Graham said. “The guy is just a weird guy…so people go, ‘Where is this guy from?’ I personally think it’s another planet, not Kenya.”
 
The two grown men debated this issue a while longer, until Imus saw fit to ring his Blonde on Blonde bell. “That’s a dinner bell,” Tony told Graham. “That means you’ve been served.”
 
Kind of like how the Boston Celtics served the New York Knicks in the first game of the NBA playoffs last night? “Beautiful,” Graham said of his team’s victory. “Gorgeous.”
 
On other sporty issues, Michael Vick told the Wall Street Journal recently that he wouldn’t change anything about his life, and Tony defended this comment by noting that Vick served prison time; lost all his endorsement deals; and had to beg his way back into the NFL to “resurrect and rehabilitate” his life.
 
“You’re kidding me!” Graham burst out. “Michael Vick had it all. It wasn’t like he had to stay away from hot women. He just had to stay away from dog fighting!”
 
And all Graham has to do to stay away form “the world’s worst, most failed drag queen”—also know as Steven Tyler—is not turn on American Idol. Imus is also not interested in watching the erstwhile lead singer of Aerosmith do anything on television, specifically hitting on girls one-third his age.
 
“I’m sorry?” Tony said, confused at Imus’s hypocrisy on this issue. To Imus’s protests that Deirdre is 46 and it’s not the same thing, Tony replied, “You’re 106.”
 
He’s not far off.
 
-Julie Kanfer