Blonde on Blonde: Smoking, Eating, and Dating

Deirdre Imus wasted no time during today’s edition of Blonde on Blonde chastising poor “John Boehner” for his nasty smoking habit, even though the “House Speaker” insisted he was helping the economy by supporting tobacco growers.
 
Nevertheless, Deirdre suggested Boehner and other similarly weak smokers who hold public office be prohibited from smoking, and from thereby exposing others to secondhand smoke.
 
Though, as “Boehner” observed of Deirdre’s wardrobe selection this morning, “You’re exposing yourself right now.” And there sure ain’t no law against that.
 
If it were up to Deirdre, however, it would also be illegal for the menu at the White House Superbowl party to include, as it did, items like bratwursts, kielbasas, chicken wings, deep dish pizza, German potato salad, ice cream, and beer.
 
Obviously not in keeping with her pal’s approach toward eating, Lis Wiehl chimed in, “Now that’s a party I want to go to!” Even though, as Deirdre quickly pointed out, those foods cause obesity, cancer, and a host of other problems that Michelle Obama has been advocating against, but obviously not practicing herself.
 
“Let it go for a day,” Lis commented, innocently. Big mistake.
 
“The Superbowl is just one day, Christmas is just one day,” Deirdre said, speaking to people’s hypocrisy when they use the “everything in moderation” or “blue moon” theory to treating themselves every once in a while.
 
“At least I’m not a hypocrite,” Deirdre said. “I’m vegan, I’m organic, I eat whole foods, I eat plant-based foods. I eat healthy.”
 
But Lis argued that it’s difficult for many people to live up to Deirdre’s ideal. “What’s scary for most of us—it’s like we can’t indulge once in a while in the cheeseburger, or the bratwurst,” she said, adding, “The plan you try to implement takes a perfect family or a perfect person.”
 
Sensing victory, Deirdre allowed that even the Imus family has a “blue moon treat” every once in a while. This was news to her husband, who wondered where exactly he had been when this happened.
 
As for “Boehner,” he leered in the direction of the two blondes and said, “That’s my blue moon treat.”
 
With the day of pink and red rapidly approaching, Imus wondered what Deirdre and Lis thought of the five questions dating website OKCupid.com recently suggested people use on a first date to gauge compatibility. They include:
 
-Do you like scary movies?
-Do you believe in miracles?
-Do you prefer simplicity or complexity?
-Have you ever traveled alone in a foreign country?
-Would it be fun to chuck it all, and go live on a sailboat?
 
Lis’s reaction to such queries? “I think I’d shoot myself, or him, and walk out.”
 
Meanwhile, Deirdre tried to recall what Imus had asked her on their first date. Though Charles, and “John Boehner” were probably not present at the time, they each offered very likely possibilities: “Are your parents around?” and “Do you want a candy bar?”
 
-Julie Kanfer