Fred Imus Lives in a Trailer and Has No Love Life--But His Dog is Healthy

Fred Imus was relieved to hear that his brother’s voice was, more or less, in working order this morning. The I-Man’s mood, however, was a different story.
 
“A full moon really affects me,” Fred told his brother. “I get nervous and irritable. Does that ever happen to you?”
 
Only on days that end in Y.
 
Before his voice became too weak, Imus relayed to his brother a story about Wyatt, whose dog Virgil became violently ill a few days ago. Having grown up part-time on a cattle ranch surrounded by cowboys, Wyatt instinctively knew to place the dog in cold water and put some peroxide down her throat, forcing her to throw up. A few minutes later, Virgil was fine.
 
“I’d have probably put water in the bathtub,” Fred, also a dog owner, said. “And put the dog under.”
 
As talking became too painful, and not just because it was with Fred, Imus delegated interviewing tasks to “Rep. John Boehner,” who managed to pull himself together after an emotional morning. But even a simple discussion concerning Fred’s whereabouts was too much for “Boehner.”
 
“You live in a trailer?” the “House Speaker” said. “All that money your brother has, and you’re forced to live in a trailer?”
 
Though Fred insisted it was a great trailer, this was difficult for “Boehner” to believe. “He has a mansion in Connecticut, and a penthouse on Central Park West, and you’re living in a Winnebago?” he said. “What kind of a hell is that for an existence?”
 
Luckily, another aspect of Fred’s life was less depressing: his dog Dear John was doing better after coming down with Valley Fever a few weeks ago.  Turning next to talk of Fred’s love life, on the other hand, was probably not the best move.
 
“I have lot of friends on Facebook, and somebody mentioned to me, ‘You have a lot of good-looking women that are your friends on Facebook,’” Fred said. “And then somebody else said, ‘That’s because you can’t find out where they live.’”
 
Ever positive, “Boehner” suggested Fred hire Bo Dietl to track down these gorgeous ladies. “You can just show up, bring some flowers, a box of candy, and say, ‘Hi, I’m moving in, because I have to live in a trailer,’” he said.
 
Imus stepped in at this point to stem the bleeding, having endured enough silliness. Though “Boehner” objected that it wasn’t like he had tortured Fred or anything, Imus took a different position.
 
“You tortured us,” he said.
 
­-Julie Kanfer