Chris Wallace From Downtown!

Unlike Peter King before him, Chris Wallace was not bitter that Imus got him on late this morning, accepting an apology right off the bat. The notion that Wallace was turning over a new leaf, however, was squandered as the interview drew to a close.

First, Imus complimented Wallace on last week’s edition of his show Fox News Sunday, particularly the segment featuring Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz. “It’s a little funny watching her, because there are some mannerisms she has that are so like her dad,” Wallace said. “It kind of tickles me to see it.”

Deemed “an idiot” when he chastised Wallace for making Cheney sound “masculine,” Imus instructed his guest, “That’s Mr. Idiot to you, pal.”

Just prior to Wallace’s appearance today, Imus had been explaining to Bernard that Jon Stewart is hardly unique in that he relies on a team of writers to be hilarious every night. Coincidentally, Wallace will be a guest on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart the day after Election Day, and assured Imus of Stewart’s abilities with or without a cadre of writers.

“When I’m on the show with him, I like to throw some curveballs at him,” Wallace said. “He is very quick. You don’t mess with him, because he comes up with stuff that obviously isn’t written and isn’t prepared.”

Even though Wallace was agreeing with him, Imus belabored the point until Wallace determined that “Mr. Idiot” was clearly “off the meds.”

Journalist Bob Woodward’s new book Obama’s Wars has made quite a stir recently, revealing information about the war in Afghanistan that Imus observed could have been helpful to policymakers last year when they were deciding how to proceed with the situation there.

“Why save the information?” Imus asked. “So he could put out another money-grubbing book, and get some headlines?”

After pointing out that Imus had just answered his own question, Wallace wondered why everybody feels the need to talk. “Why is it that people can’t have a conversation, and just shut up about it?” he said, and then explained to Imus how Woodward gets people to start flapping their gums.

A friend of Wallace’s, who was once approached by Woodward for a book he was writing about the Supreme Court, told Wallace, “It isn’t like he calls you up and says, ‘Is there anything you’d like to say?’” Instead, Woodward has already spoken with many other people and has compiled so much information that, Wallace said, “you almost feel like you have to talk, because he’s got three sides of the story already.”

And where does Woodward get his information? “From a vast staff of people!” Imus barked. “Many of whom help him write the book.”

When it was determined that Imus would not “get off this,” Bernard suggested he get off the planet. And when Imus suggested Wallace’s time was up, he remarked, “That’s a little short.”

Wallace added, proudly, and without the help of any writers, “That’s probably what Deirdre says to you.”

-Julie Kanfer