Bo Dietl Will Win Nothing on Wednesday

Fresh off the plane from Italy, Bo Dietl felt great this morning after spending some time in Rome and Positano, where reaching the cliff-side villa he stayed in required a climb of 1,500 steps.

“This is the first trip I ever lost weight,” said Bo, who reported eating “like a savage” everyday.

He encouraged Imus to pay a visit to Rome, a city he claimed was “pilfer-ized” for its marble so that the Vatican could be built. “Boy, they ripped that place off good,” Bo said.

Transformed by sights like the Coliseum in Rome, Bo declared, “History is oozing out of me.”

Too bad sense wasn’t oozing out of him this morning. Bo segued from Italy into a rant about former Agriculture Department employee Shirly Sherrod, who was falsely accused of making racial comments at an NAACP conference over the summer.

“It turns out they did a USDA discrimination called the ‘Pigfoot Case,’” Bo said, wading into dangerous waters. In this case, according to Bo, thousands of black farmers who were denied proper loans were awarded a $1.25 billion settlement, among them Sherrod’s family.

“She got the largest settlement, $13 million,” Bo said, then screamed, “That’s fraud! Where’s the news media?”

While Bo continued talking, and Imus kept on not caring, Lou checked to see if Carl Jeffers was still on the line.

Bo will compete in Wednesday’s Imus Ranch Golf Outing as part of a foursome that can absolutely not be trusted. “I’m disqualifying you and your crooked team from the golf tournament,” Imus said. “You are not eligible to win the trophy.”

Part of the reason Imus distrusts Bo and his cronies is that they all carry guns, and will intimidate their competitors. He demanded, “Give me all your guns.”

Turning on the charm, Bo said only, “Wednesday: Win Day.”

Oh god.

-Julie Kanfer