Where You Won't Find Michael Graham

Proud South Carolinian Michael Graham couldn’t believe Imus would ask his fellow Southerner Dagen McDowell for advice on washing machines. “She was beating her clothes on a rock until she was 13 years old,” said Graham, who now lives in Boston where he hosts the midday show on 96.9FM.

Besides, Graham added, “She’s from a part of the country where we keep our washing machines on the porch. I have a better idea—why don’t you get Barack Obama’s advice on how to handle an oil spill in the Gulf?”

Wincing at the very thought of the President, Graham, a staunch Republican, wondered if it was time to move on from Obama. “Can we get a real President, please?” he asked no one in particular. “Hello? Casting?”

Unlike President George W. Bush, who Graham claims “got the big stuff right,” Obama is getting it all wrong. “There’s a hole in the ground, gushing oil and destroying the entire Gulf Coast,” said Graham. “Stick something in it! Is it really that hard?”

Obama has yet to even meet with Tony Hayward, head of BP, the company whose destroyed oil rig caused this mess in the first place. Though Obama declared the other day that he was the “ass-kicker-in-chief,” Graham noted, “You haven’t even met the guy with the ass you need to kick!”

He further blamed the Liberals for the U.S. resorting to offshore, deepwater drilling in the first place. “The reason we have to be drilling in Aquaman’s backyard, a mile under the ocean, is because the super ‘O-bots’ won’t let us drill in Alaska.”

Yesterday was a big primary day in Graham’s native South Carolina, where state legislator Nikki Haley won the Republican nomination for Governor. “She’s a Tea Party candidate back from the pre-Tea Party days,” said Graham. “She’s always been, ‘You idiots in government are getting it all wrong.’”

It doesn’t hurt that Haley, 38, is also “smokin’ hot,” as Graham eloquently put it. Two men recently came forward to admit affairs with her; one, a lobbyist, was actually on the payroll of one of her opponents.

“That’s the kind of politics I like,” he said. “Inbreeding, screwing around, shamelessness.”

For his final question, Imus said, “Michael Graham on Helen Thomas? Tell me.”

Following a few moments of well-timed silence, Graham replied, “You’ll never see Michael Graham on Helen Thomas. Even that idea just terrifies me.”

-Julie Kanfer