Frank Luntz Finds Out What it Means to Be a Guest on This Program

Things got a bit contentious today between Imus and a man he called “the Nostradamus of pollsters,” Frank Luntz, who made the mistake last time he came by the studio of bringing former hockey star Mike Richter with him.

When Luntz protested that Richter is “only one of the great goalies of all time,” Imus remarked, “That doesn’t mean I want to talk to him.”

As payback, Imus brought “Larry King” and “Jesse Jackson” with him today to make fun of Luntz’s hair and other affectations, but Luntz was not easily stirred, feeling tough after his dinner last night with Cavuto crime family member Charles Gasparino. 

“I did not know he was a mailman,” said Luntz, about to make an unfunny joke. “People kept coming over with envelopes without stamps, just handing them to him.”

In light of the recent debate over immigration reform and Arizona’s controversial law, Luntz’s company The Word Doctors has been charged with the task of defining what it means to be an American citizen.

“For most people, it means freedom, the opportunity to do what you want, where you want, when you want, provided that your freedoms don’t infringe on somebody else’s,” said Luntz.

Imus joked that it means the freedom to download porn; also, to abuse guests like Luntz, who often either can’t take a joke, or take it too far, as was the case this morning.

Regardless of what Luntz or Imus thinks it means to be an American citizen, they are both right. “We all have different definitions, but for each of us, those definitions are correct because we define it in our own way,” Luntz said.

In his view, Arizona is entitled to pass legislation to enforce immigration law if the federal government has failed to do it, which many believe to be the case. The situation in Arizona is so dire, Luntz explained, that were Imus to do his show there within 100 miles of the border at 3 AM, he’d be interrupted by people streaming in from Mexico. 

“They would come across the set once,” Imus said gingerly. “Then they wouldn’t come across the set anymore.”

Answering an astute question from the I-Man, Luntz said the outrage over Arizona’s law has more to do with what people think it opens the door to—civil liberties violations, among other offenses—than what the law actually says.

“You cannot stop somebody unless you have ‘probably cause,’” said Luntz. “So it’s not an issue of racial profiling.”

If Imus were sure the law would be implemented properly and never abused, he’d support it. “But that’s the same with every law,” Luntz smartly observed, and reveled in a compliment from the I-Man.

Feeling empowered, he asked if he could make an offer to the audience, and Imus said no, drawing hearty laughter from somewhere behind the scenes. When Luntz tried to ascertain the identity of said laugher, Imus told him not to worry about it.

“It’s the crew,” he explained. “The crew likes me. They laugh at stuff. They like you. Sort of.”

-Julie Kanfer