Bo Dietl Maintains Sanity During Chat with Imus

Bo Dietl came close to making sense this morning, telling Imus he’d “rather take an ice-pick and jab it into my brain” than read a book about tracking down James Earl Ray after he murdered Martin Luther King, Jr.

“That investigation took long enough,” he said, referring to the two-and-a-half months it took the FBI to catch Ray. “It was a ground ball.”

J. Edgar Hoover, who headed the FBI at the time of King’s assassination, knew about many of the threats to King’s life, Bo explained, and should have followed through.

“There were a lot of people who wanted to see him shot, and the FBI should have responded on a lot more of those threats,” said Bo. “They were right out in the open.”

Continuing to be of sound mind, Bo then apologized for allegations he made last week that firefighters and police officers take advantage of disability benefits.

“I meant the ‘fagazies’—guys who take pension when they’re not hurt,” he explained. “Guys who are hurt out there, my heart goes out to them, and I respect them.”

Speaking of health concerns, Bo had something to say to the members of Congress who recently passed a health care reform bill.

“They think they’re so elite,” Bo said about Congress. “Why shouldn’t they come under the auspices of the health care reform?”

He paused, and then verified with Charles that auspices was a) a word, and b) he had pronounced it correctly. Yes to both.

Bo was actually off to Washington, DC this afternoon to have lunch with “the Switzerland of the Middle East,” he said, referring to Jordan. The purpose of the meeting, however, remains vague, as Bo would say he was meeting with King Hussein and his ministers to address financial and security concerns.

“There’s got to be another reason,” said Imus. “They want hookers or something.”

Protesting that he never got anybody hookers when working for the Saudi Arabian royal family many years ago, Bo again switched gears to talk about his “new best friend” John Paulson, a hedge fund manager.

“He had the foreskin—I mean, the foresight—to see the funk-itation of the financial industry,” said Bo, annoying the I-Man with his stupid, intentional slip of the tongue.

“We’re out of time,” said Imus. “Thank God.”

-Julie Kanfer