Blonde on Blonde: Princes, Guns, and Lingerie Football

Most little girls dream about one day marrying a prince, and Deirdre Imus fulfilled that fantasy when she married the I-Man. Except his titles—which Deirdre said today are “Prince of Darkness,” “Prince of Evil,” and “Prince of Complaining”—were probably not what she had in mind.
 
All this talk of princes during Blonde on Blonde was due to yesterday’s news that Great Britain’s Prince William would soon marry his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton.
 
“There are no pre-nups in Britain,” Lis Wiehl, the other blonde, pointed out. “So whatever happens, if they get a divorce, she gets half of everything.”
 
Unless, of course, “he arranges to have her killed,” like Imus proposed his father did with Princess Diana, who died in a tragic car accident in Paris in 1997.
 
Speaking of transport, this country is abuzz with complaints over new airport security standards, with new body-screening machines that leave little to the imagination of TSA agents, and pat-downs that include full-on fondling of breasts and groin regions.
 
“In 1973, the Supreme Court ruled on administrative searches, and they said as long as the administrative searches are reasonable in context with the electronics of the day—this was in 1973—then they can happen,” Lis, a Harvard-educated attorney, said, explaining that the legality of the scanners and pat-downs has already been determined.
 
Deirdre is against this form of invasive searching because she doesn’t want anybody poking or prodding her at the airport. Also, she’s concerned with reports claiming the radiation from the scanners stays on the skin.
 
“It’s going to lead to skin cancer, and possibly other cancers,” she said, and predicted terrorists hoping to sneak bombs onto planes would find simply more creative ways of doing so, in light of these security advances. “Won’t they then be hiding it in their anal cavities? What are we going to do, search there too?”
 
Though Deirdre conceded that if, say, the late French actor Gerard Depardieu were conducting the search on her, she would have less of a problem with it. (Really? Gerard Depardieu?)
 
Both women were not thrilled to learn that a truck dealership in Florida (of course) is offering customers the choice between a $400 rebate or an AK-47 assault rifle, which are not deemed automatic weapons in Florida, upon purchasing a new vehicle.
 
“That’s like getting the lead toy with your happy meal,” Deirdre said. “That’s a happy meal for adults!”
 
Also a happy meal for adults: lingerie football leagues, which have sprung up around the country in cities like Los Angeles, San Diego, and Dallas, and feature women playing football in bras, panties, and garter belts.
 
Astoundingly, Deirdre and Lis wholly support this endeavor. “It’s appropriately hot,” Deirdre, who loves football, said. “I’d do it.”
 
Informed by the Prince of Darkness, Evil, and Complaining that she would do no such thing, Deirdre also pledged her support for ESPN The Magazine’s risqué photo spread of the U.S. Water Polo Women’s National Team, which posed naked to protest the stereotype often associated with their sport.
 
“We want to see the bodies of these amazing athletes,” Deirdre said.
 
Shocked, Imus replied, “I’m glad we don’t have a daughter, because she’d be a slut.”
 
-Julie Kanfer