Judah Friedlander, World Champion, Bestows His Knowledge of How To Beat Up Anybody

Imus was honored to receive a visit from the self-proclaimed World Champion Judah Friedlander, who is also a comedian and actor appearing on NBC’s 30 Rock. His new book, How to Beat Up Anybody, is “an instructional and inspirational karate book,” though sadly, he could not demonstrate any of his moves this morning.

“This is maybe this nicest studio I’ve ever seen,” he told Imus. “But your camera only films at 60 frames per second, and I move at a million frames per second.”

How Friedlander became the World Champion remains elusive; he told Imus only that “they had the World Championships, and I won it.” As proof, Friedlander pointed to his attire: a shirt and hat both inscribed with the words “World Champion.”

“That’s when you know it’s real,” he said. “If it’s just on a shirt, it could be anybody. But if it’s a shirt-hat combination, you know it’s official.”

He wrote How to Beat Up Anybody to “keep America safer,” he said, because “if you read this book, you will know how to beat up anybody, even if the person you’re fighting has also read the book.”

He likened the World Championships to karate death matches, and bemoaned the fact that they receive much less attention than the silly Olympics, which he does not consider real athletic competition.

“It’s once every four years,” Friedlander said. “I mean, how out of shape do you have to be to compete once every four years? I’m out there everyday. The World Championships has its finals about 30 times a week.”

Imus commended his guest on appealing to the right audience: people who have the intellectual prowess of 12-year olds, and who, like Imus, still think farting is funny.

“Farting is still funny,” Friedlander assured Imus. “There was never a period in American history when farting was not funny.”

Farting, it turns out, is also useful. In his book, Friedlander details how best to implement a move he calls “the karate fart,” which is “an advanced move” that shouldn’t be tried before reading the first 12 chapters of the book.

Friedlander considers himself a role model for children, which he insisted goes along with being the World Champion. As such, he sleeps with a lot of beautiful women.

“I’m looking at a couple of chicks on the street right now,” he said, craning his neck get a good look at Sixth Avenue, just outside the studio window. “They’re already looking hot. They’re running late for work, and they’re jogging down the street. It’s good stuff.”

He recommended using the elbow as a weapon instead of the fist, and striking an opponent in the crotch. “You can’t go wrong with that,” Friedlander said.

He thanked Imus for having the courage to have him in studio, since most people are afraid of the World Champion. “We’re armed,” Imus said. “So we don’t care.”

Funny he should mention that. “I can actually throw a bullet faster than a gun can shoot it,” Friedlander said. “So guns don’t scare me. I have a whole chapter on how to defeat an armed opponent.”

Of course he does.

-Julie Kanfer