Monica Crowley, Man-Eater

By the end of today's interview with Monica Crowley, Imus would make a conclusion about her life that no one — not even Crowley herself — saw coming. More later.

Crowley nearly needed to be hosed off in the Fox Business Network studio this morning as she expressed her elation over Republican Scott Brown's Senate win in Massachusetts yesterday.

"I cannot wait to look at that for six years, okay?" said Crowley, a right-wing nut and, based on that comment, potential stalker. "Scoop him in a bowl and call him dessert! I would not kick that man out of bed for eating crackers."

"Scott Brown," she continued. "Now that's what I call a stimulus package."

Crowley further asserted that the country was sick of "the skinny socialist," and yes, she finds it necessary to demean President Obama to get her point across. She predicted Brown could become the Republican Presidential candidate in 2012, declaring, "I think Brown is the new black."

Granted, Brown's Democratic opponent Martha Coakley was not exactly the most dynamic candidate. "When she was out there greeting people, she looked like she would rather eat her own knee than go shake hands with people," said Crowley.

As voters from New Jersey and Virginia, where Republicans won governorships last year, and now those in Massachusetts express their desire for change yet again, Crowley said the Democrats have only themselves to blame.

"They misread the 2008 election, which was essentially a repudiation of President Bush," she said. "It wasn't an embrace of far left radical policies."

Pressed to name some of Obama's so-called far left policies besides his push for health care reform, Crowley listed only cap-and-trade, which she said, "would have been tantamount to the largest tax increase in the history of the world."

She was lucky that Imus has no idea what cap-and-trade means, and he instead wondered if this anti-Obama sentiment would carry over to the midterm elections later this year.

"Absolutely!" Crowley howled. "The revolution has begun."

Besides her boyfriend Scott Brown, Crowley thinks possible Republican contenders for president in 2012 include Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, and Newt Gingrich.

"You know who will be elected president before Newt Gingrich?" Imus asked. "Mike Tyson."

Crowley threw a few more names out there — Sarah Palin among them — and stopped at South Dakota Senator John Thune, whom she called "as delectable as Scott Brown." Imus had just one piece of advice for his lunatic guest.

"You need to get laid," he told Crowley.

-Julie Kanfer