What Deirdre Imus Wants For Christmas, And Other Tales
If you'd like a window into life in the Imus home, the following story provides a pretty accurate account.
The Imus family will soon travel to the Imus Ranch in Ribera, New Mexico, and, being the forward-thinker that he is, the I-Man stole a glance at his I-Phone's weather app to get an idea of what kind of conditions they should expect. Turns out it's going to be pretty brutal in Northern New Mexico, with temperatures dipping to minus three degrees.
"I said, 'Jesus, why do want to go when it's one degree?'" said Imus. "Then Deirdre starts in on me about how I never want to go anywhere."
Deirdre and Wyatt were equally bummed out, and the I-Man's news had put everyone in a horrible mood: Wyatt because he wouldn't be able rope, and Deirdre because she'd have to listen to her husband complain about the cold for two weeks straight.
Until, that is, Imus realized his phone had been set to Celsius instead of Fahrenheit.
Speaking of thermometers, Deirdre joined her husband today to share a little-reported story out of West Warwick, Rhode Island, where an alleged mercury thermometer spill prompted a HAZMAT team to rush to the scene, which just happened to be a school providing an H1N1 vaccine clinic.
"In Rhode Island in 2002, they banned mercury thermometers," Deirdre said. "The multi-dose H1N1 that they would be administering at this clinic contains 24.5 micrograms of mercury — thimerasol. If they spilled one of those, they would also have to call a HAZMAT team to clean it up, because it's considered hazardous waste."
She's not saying, but she's just saying.
Bernard, who was shooting vaccines of mercury into his eyeballs, complained that Deirdre was not doing this report topless, as promised. When Deirdre wondered if she could do that on Fox (because, you know, it's just cable), Imus was appalled, asking, "If I told you Fox said it was okay, you would do it?"
"I'd have to think about it," Deirdre said, calmly.
All Deirdre wants for Christmas is her husband's health. Well, that and some new golf clubs to safeguard against her husband's curious habit of watching Alexis Glick on the Fox Business Network with the sound off, drooling.
But, as Bernard observed, "He does that during Jim Lehrer's show, too."
-Julie Kanfer
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