Monica Crowley Learns Why Imus Drools

Even from way over there on the right side of the aisle, Monica Crowley knew what Imus's response would be to the question, "How are you?

"I'm battling —" Imus began, and was cut off.

"Cancer, I know," said Crowley, who clearly derives joy from Imus's very serious illness. Well, the one that's been diagnosed.

Imus was surprised to see Crowley, whose nationally syndicated radio show is on 180 stations, in studio this morning. "Last time you were calling from underneath your boyfriend," he observed.

But the good-humored Crowley was happy to be by the I-Man's side today to gloat about the two big Republican victories yesterday in New Jersey and Virginia. The message from voters, as she saw it, was twofold.

"First, the love affair with the skinny socialist is over," she said, referring to President Obama and not to the host of this program. "And secondly, the real message here is that we are now a nation of Howard Beals: we're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore!"

She also sees a rising wave of anti-incumbency, and used the closer-than-expected victory of New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg over his challenger as an example. "The American people are saying, 'Enough is enough,'" said Crowley. "Enough of big government, enough of massive spending, enough of entitlement programs."

Crowley herself has had enough of Mrs. Doubtfire's lies, particularly the one he told last night about President Obama not watching the election returns. "He and Corzine were like that couple in the bathtub in the Cialis ad," she said. "That lie ranks right up there with, 'Honey, I'm walking the Appalachian trail.'"

On learning such sexual references disturbed Imus, Crowley wondered if that was the reason he was presently drooling all over himself.

"Nope," said Imus. "I just drool."

Crowley, a friend of Rush Limbaugh's, would not confess to ever having seen him naked. Instead, Imus asked about Rush clothed: specifically, why he unbuttoned his shirt down to his navel and went sock-less during last week's appearance on Fox News Sunday.

"He lives in Palm Beach, the interview was in Florida," said Crowley, vouching for a man she allegedly never dated. "He has lost about 100 lbs! He's working his thang."

The Democrats might also consider working their "thang," and fast. "The last time you had these races flipped so thoroughly to the other party was in 1993, and that indicated the 1994 republican takeover in Congress," Crowley warned. "If I were the Democrats, I'd be looking at the want ads right now."

-Julie Kanfer