Bo Dietl Actually Uses Notes For This Stuff

There's zero chance that Bo Dietl was in Florida with Tiger Woods in the aftermath of his "car accident" last Friday, but Imus allowed him to prattle on about it anyway.

"Tiger has been with me on numerous occasions," Bo insisted. Maybe, but this past weekend was probably not one of them.

"I tried to call him, but he didn't pick up the phone," Bo conceded. He offered Tiger some advice on how to deal with speculation that his facial lacerations were the result of an argument with his wife, and not the aforementioned "accident."

"He should stay in the house, get in the backyard, do a little swimming, make nice-nice with Mrs. Woods, and go the straight path again," Bo offered, then begged the media to leave his pal Tiger alone.

Bo quickly moved on to a topic he's possibly more qualified to talk about: the forthcoming indictment of three Navy SEALs who allegedly used "necessary force" to subdue an imprisoned terrorist. The "punk" in question, Ahmed Hasim Abed, is accused of burning, dragging, and hanging from a bridge the charred bodies of four American contractors in Iraq in 2004.

"American troops are captured in Iraq, American troops are captured in Afghanistan — not one has survived," said Bo. "You know what they do when they capture somebody over there? They kill them! This punk...has the audacity to claim, 'I got a fat lip!'"

With his increasingly reddened face and wild-eyed demeanor, Bo more closely resembled a crazy person than anything else, and Imus told him so. "I am a crazy person," said Bo. "Things bother me!"

He then accused Senator Harry Reid of bribing Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu to vote for his health care bill by promising her between $100-300 million for her state. "This is all legalized corruption," said Bo, adding, "It's a bribe! It's a bribe!"

Imus gently explained that the money was going toward Landrieu's constituents, and not padding her bank account. Bo declared he was "extronigated" over the issue, and nobody had any idea what he was talking about.

Convinced he had a point to make, Bo attempted a discussion on the threat posed by Islamic fundamentalists, and somehow wove Nazi Germany, China, and Rwanda into the conversation. It was an argument so ill-conceived that Imus was left with just one slack-jawed observation.

"You're not going to believe this," he said. "Bo actually has notes here."

-Julie Kanfer