Imus Promises Neil Cavuto He'll Stay Up Past His Bedtime

It's never a good sign when you host a television show, as Neil Cavuto does, and Imus's first words to you are, "So I'm watching your very fine program last night..."

Before Imus could even complete the sentence, Cavuto sighed, and said, "Here we go."

Yesterday on FBN's Cavuto, speedreader Howard Berg and non-speedreader Joe Ligotti, had appeared to discuss the health care bill. Imus found this ironic since Berg and especially Ligotti are, in Cavuto's words, "rather rotund."

Imus went on about how fat they are until Cavuto jumped in, and explained the point of the segment had been to demonstrate how indecipherable the health care bill is no matter how quickly one reads it. "It's just mumbo-jumbo," he added.

Satisfied, Imus then promoted the Fox News Channel's election coverage, which Cavuto will host tonight beginning at 8pm. Imus had promised to phone in, but only if his guy Chris Christie wins the race for Governor of New Jersey.

"I told you it is possibly we might not know until quite late," Cavuto warned. "You might be well into nigh-nigh. I want approval to wake you up."

Imus fiercely resisted this request until it dawned on him: Cavuto would be crediting a Christie victory solely to Imus. "You would have a very fair case stating that you turned this New Jersey race around," Cavuto told the I-Man, who conducted a funny, fiery interview with Christie last week.

Though Imus bitched and moaned that it would be too late, and Cavuto hadn't given him enough credit for his interview, ultimately the opportunity to gloat overcame him. "I'll be up," he promised.

As for why President Obama would invest political capital in New Jersey by supporting Incumbent Jon Corzine, Cavuto said the race had seemed more winnable for the Democrats at the outset. That changed when Independent Chris Daggett entered the field.

"Even if Corzine were to win, it might be a squeaker," said Cavuto. "And hardly a ringing endorsement for the President."

Which is not something you'll find here, either. Imus again called Obama "lovely" but "incompetent," which Cavuto was, frankly, sick of hearing. "Fox News may be fair and balanced," Imus cautioned. "But I'm not."

And for the most pressing issue of the day: the snaps on Cavuto's shirt, which Imus of course has noticed and needs to address on national radio and television. What, he wondered, does that kind of shirt do for Cavuto?

"The same thing that this concoction you're wearing now does for you," he told Imus, who was sporting an unfortunate red-denim hybrid of a shirt.

Imus insisted his getup has a practical purpose.

Yeah: laughs.

-Julie Kanfer