Mark Levin Momentarily Emerges From His Bunker To Hurl Insults

Mark Levin, the conservative radio host deemed "The Great One" by Sean Hannity, started in on Imus almost immediately this morning, saying, "It looks like a four year-old tied your tie." The knot, he observed, was so big that Imus should wear a red nose with it.

Having sufficiently insulted the cancer-battling host of this show, Levin moved on to insulting President Obama and Attorney General Holder for their decision to try several 9/11 plotters in civilian court in New York City.

"This guy Obama and his buddy Holder are so ideologically driven, they are so radical, that I can't think of a single defense for what's been done here," said Levin. "None."

Obama, he added, has no desire to win this war. "Do you realize no president in American history has ever dragged terrorists from foreign soil into the United States to try them in civilian courts, and then pretend we're going to apply the Constitution?" Levin asked. "Which we're clearly not going to do, or this guy gets off in the first hour of the hearing."

Former Congressman John LeBoutillier had suggested to Imus that some "wacko jurist who wants a book deal or his own reality show" could intentionally hang the jury. Levin, however, was too distracted by an image on the television.

"That's a great picture of John LeBoutillier there," he said with pervasive sarcasm. "We all know what he looks like! Your graphics department is just terrific. You have a picture of me that's got to be at least five years old!"

Levin then reminded the audience that the United States is at war, whether Obama and his leftist buddies believe it or not. "I know if we're hit again, they're going to blame us like they always do," said Levin. "There's something we did, something wrong with our policy. But we are at war!"

In case it was unclear, Levin does not like Obama. "I know what he's doing is extremely detrimental to this nation," he said. "I don't know him personally, but his policies suck, so I don't like him personally. He is an incompetent ideologue, and an egomaniac."

Attempting to change the subject before Levin exploded, Imus asked why the President traveled to Asia this week. Levin supposed he was visiting all the regimes he admires. And by the way, he added, enough with the bowing, Mr. President.

"When he does that, he doesn't represent me, he doesn't represent my grandfather, who fought in Guam and Iwo Jima, he doesn't represent my great uncle who fought at Guadalcanal, he doesn't represent my father who was in the Army Air Corps in World War II," said Levin. "He doesn't represent my family, and he doesn't represent a lot of families in this country."

He also doesn't represent Imus, who, in case anyone out there doesn't know, played the bugle in the Marine Corps. And whose tie was still the topic of conversation 15 minutes later, with Charles chiming that the knot should be "nice, and small, and tight."

To which Imus astutely replied, "Just like your wiener."

-Julie Kanfer