Let's Not Encourage Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck poked his head into Imus's first broadcast on the FOX Business Network today, and managed not to cause too much trouble (though he admitted it's a goal).

"I was thinking what a privilege it is to be on your first show," said Beck, in a sinister way that implied he was up to no good. "Then I heard the lady with the sick cat go on and on...and I was actually rooting for the cancer to kick in. I thought if you just dropped dead, the first episode would get good."

Since he's got such a big mouth, Imus wondered if Beck had any particular message for Senator John McCain, who would be on the show later.

"Uh, no," said Beck, who recently said McCain would have been worse for the Republicans than President Obama has been.

"People wouldn't have awakened the way they are," he said, and called McCain too progressive. "John McCain would have taken us slowly, while Barack Obama threw us into the hot water, and we have a chance of the free market system actually surviving."

Then, the two recovering alcoholics compared their former drinks of choice: Beck was a Jack Daniels man, while Imus preferred Stolichnaya Vodka (straight from the freezer).

He added, "Most drunks, when they reach their bottom, are drinking vodka."

Beck revealed that he and Jack had "a good, long relationship," and that he reached his bottom one morning in November of 1994 when he could not recall tucking his children into bed and telling them a story the night before.

"They said, 'Tell us the story you told us last night,'" said Beck. "I said, 'You tell me, I want to see how much you remember.' I thought to myself, what are you doing, you loser?"

Imus remembered his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Manhattan, where a bunch of attractive young women told stories about awful things they did for alcohol or drugs. "I'm thinking, how come I couldn't have met some of them?" said Imus.

He then tried to convince his hideously naïve guest that people like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh are not happy about Beck's success. Imus, however, was pretty psyched that Beck managed not to say anything controversial this morning (like, you know, calling the President a racist, as he did on FOX & Friends a few weeks ago).

"If you were to say that here," said Imus. "They would have had ME saying it."

Let's not give our already insane guest any bright ideas.

-Julie Kanfer