Chris Christie Gains Favor With Imus By Bulking Up On The Laughs

A man with a sense of humor as big as his waistline, Chris Christie, the Republican Gubernatorial Candidate in New Jersey, promised Imus one thing today.

"I'm going to be a big, fat winner," said Christie, formerly a U.S. Attorney in New Jersey. He told Imus, "I'm pretty fat, Don," and joked (we hope) that he weighs 550 lbs.

Christie's Democratic opponent, the incumbent Governor Jon Corzine, actually tried to use Christie's girth to his advantage by running sleazy ads declaring Christie "threw his weight around" as a federal prosecutor.

"It's just silly, it's beneath the office he holds," Chrisite said. "If you're going to do it, at least man-up and say I'm fat. Afterwards he wusses out and says, 'Oh no, I didn't mean that! I don't know what you're talking about.' If you say I'm fat, I'm fat!"

Imus told his guest he better win because, as with most things, this race for the governorship is all about Imus. So, how does Christie plan to appease the I-Man?

"We're the highest taxed state in the country, we have the highest unemployment we've had in 33 years," said Christie. "Jon Corzine has driven this state into an economic ditch."

The way out, he sees it, is to cut taxes and spending, and to return money to the people of New Jersey. You know, the stuff every single candidate in the world promises to do during every single election, ever. Why should Imus believe Christie?

"Because they lie, and I don't," said Christie. "C'mon. I swear I mean it. Cross my heart and hope to die!"

Imus became serious when asking Christie his plans to combat childhood autism in New Jersey, where the rate of incidences — 1 in 92 children — is the highest in the country.

"I intend to get aggressive about cleaning up Superfund sites and the Brownfields in New Jersey," he said, referring to two types of the contaminated fields in the state that many people link with autism and other health problems. The New Jersey Environmental Federation has endorsed Christie, the first Republican to receive their support in 30 years.

As for another suspected cause of autism — vaccinations — Christie plans to give parents a "seat at the table" to share their stories and their concerns. He struggles with Corzine's flu shot mandate, calling it "a real tough choice between protecting public health with vaccinations," and the problems parents suspect have caused by vaccines.

Feeling emboldened by his good rapport with the host, Christie interrupted Imus while he was speaking, which is never a good idea. "You're not the governor yet," Imus warned. "Although, I probably wouldn't be any more respectful then."

Christie's bio boasts that he has attended more than 100 Bruce Springsteen concerts, and Imus was deeply disturbed by the thought of Christie dancing in the aisles to the likes of "Thunder Road."

"No, that would be too difficult for me," Christie said, sadly. "Because I'm eating during the show."

-Julie Kanfer