Neil Cavuto's "I-Rules"

Neil Cavuto, who we think is Imus's boss at the Fox Business Network, quickly lost his patience this morning listening to the old cowboy complain that he did not want to grant an interview to any other Fox News hosts just because he had given one to Cavuto.

"We're a team now," Cavuto explained, as though talking to a mental patient. He then passed along some rules for Fox Business employees on how to interact with Imus.

"Always appear calm when Imus throws to you; don't look like a deer in the headlights," said Cavuto. "The deer has better chances."

He continued, "Do not — do not — sprinkle holy water on Imus to see what the hell happens. Also, stop taking the over-under on whether the glass behind Imus is bulletproof."

For his final pearl of wisdom, Cavuto offered this: "Pay no heed to the commotion during commercial breaks when we routinely have a priest come in, and we yell in unison, 'The power of Christ compels you!'"

Bowled over by Cavuto's attempt at humor, Imus asked his guest, in all seriousness, what indicators he uses to gauge where the country is each day.

"You can look at oil and the futures, but I tend not to look at either very closely because I think they change very, very rapidly, so they're only as good as the moment you're looking at them," said Cavuto. "The big story of our times is what's going on in Washington, and how much we're spending."

Imus commented on the stimulus package, but Cavuto interjected with some inane joke, and was admonished. "Please don't interrupt me when I'm trying to talk, because I'm old and I lose my train of thought," said Imus, who subsequently lost his train of thought.

Cavuto thinks Americans are skittish in the wake of sky-high unemployment. "So you see them holding back on spending, holding back on big purchases, and saying, 'Maybe I better just sit tight.'"

Cavuto remarked that young Wyatt Imus is likely unaffected by such spending freezes, which was not a good road to go down, because Imus freaked out. "Why are you trying to suggest we have a spoiled kid?" he said. "I'm not attacking your children!"

He has, however, attacked some Fox News guests, and Cavuto listed their names, each of which Imus aptly described:

• Sarah Palin? "Dope."
• Jon Corzine? "Crook."
• Chris Christie? "Fat."
• Barack Obama? "He's okay."
• Dan Rather? "Whack job."
• Ken Lewis? "Googly-eyed."

For his last question, Imus asked the almighty Cavuto how he felt about the White House attacking Fox News for its coverage of the President.

"I kind of put the White House on a pedestal, whether it's under Democrat or Republican control," said Cavuto. "I try not to think that they're so obsessed and absorbed by little things like that, by petty grievances."

Imus suggested Cavuto and others "get on board" and act a little more like NBC in towing the administration's line.

To which Cavuto replied, "There's a goal!"

-Julie Kanfer